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Social anxiety disorder
I am suffering from a newly discovered disorder called social phobia. I can remember being so afraid of people that even the way they looked at me was frightening. I never spoke to anyone and hated going out in public. What made this worse was Internet communication. I would send things to people I knew as a cry for help, yet no one ever spoke to me about them until I spoke of suicide. I had contemplated suicide since facing an ordeal with rape and abuse by my next door neighbor. I was afraid of everyone, and confused about my sexuality. Last year was a terrible year for me; I was quite apathetic and scared. When I started seeing my therapist, things seemed to get worse. I was at a point where I was so depressed that I actually began to hallucinate, I heard things. I was sitting out on my back porch the very next night and I felt every joint in my body ache and I felt like I was on acid, then I took two aspirin and I felt numb and bloated. I began to wail because I didn't know if I really was crazy. I went to my psychiatrist and told him what I was going through. He diagnosed me with social phobia and put me on medication. My therapist said that if your cretonne level is too low, you feel immediate relief after taking the drug. I felt very relaxed and happy for no reason about ten minutes after I took it. I went outside and cleaned up a mess that was on the porch. I never clean and I didn't even think about what I was doing. I just did something for once. Though, I do find it hard to write. My mind seems to have slowed its pace. But I feel really good. My therapist says that I will not be on the drug forever. With the right cognitive behavioral therapy and medication that I should be well probably in six months. That is quite relieving and I am excited to know that I am not crazy. Just very scared and depressed. So things are actually looking good for me right now. I can relax and just try to have fun. I'm not so worried about people's perception of me. Well, maybe I am but soon I won't be. That's enough to keep me from worrying. Because I know that I was meant to be someone. It may not be tomorrow, but I will focus now on what's important. Grades and work and taking care of me. So if I smile, don't be alarmed. I've got a life to look forward to.
--Allison Landrum
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