Encyclopeteia: He said, she said

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"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

~Lily Tomlin

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**Assholes**

Famous quotes are all well and good, but I've been introduced to the magical art of "quoting stupid things that your friends say" by Carrie. Hopefully someday I'll be able to adequately "repay" her for my various attributions on her website. best work.

CK Pete: See... we CAN agree on something!
aCidrAnEx: who said we couldn't?
aCidrAnEx: i'll tie 'em up and beat them with a jar of mango jelly :)

Cathy: I've never been a big greasy person.
Pete: You don't say.

cheekyKatie: PHPLPBLPHLHBPPHBLP!!!!
cheekyKatie: Wow, how DO you spell that?
CK Pete: Hmm... no clue.
CK Pete: You got your point across though. Now go wipe off your monitor.

cheekyKatie: So, what do you want to be?
CK Pete: Hmm... I don't know.
CK Pete: Omniscient.
cheekyKatie: lol
cheekyKatie: That's not really a PHYSICAL characteristic...
CK Pete: That's what I wanna be.
cheekyKatie: Ok, ok.
cheekyKatie: You just wanna make me type that.
CK Pete: I don't care... I'd trade any physical character to be omniscient.
cheekyKatie: heh heh heh
cheekyKatie: I'd give anything to be able to fly.
CK Pete: Hmm... <searches priceline.com>
cheekyKatie: ha ha very funny.

CK Pete Bleh. I want to marry Michelle Kwan, but I'm not sure that I can now... she fell.
cheekyKatie: Oh, that's too bad. But why would that stop you from marrying her?
CK Pete I don't know. She'll be in a bad mood and you don't want to propose to a girl in a bad mood... hurts your chances. :)
cheekyKatie: Not true. Sometimes it's the best time. I can imagine feeling all crappy and down, and having someone tell me they loved me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me would definately raise my spirits.
CK Pete Well... she doesn't know me well enough to know that that's a good thing.
cheekyKatie: Does she know you at all???
CK Pete Well... umm... not yet?
cheekyKatie: Uh huh.
CK Pete Heh... I should send a marriage proposal... see what happens. :)
cheekyKatie: Um... restraining order?
CK Pete Maybe... but it'd be good website fodder. :)
cheekyKatie: lol

aCidrAnEx: <Cathy writes a novel-length IM>
aCidrAnEx: want me to autograph that so that you can have a signed copy of the first edition? :)
CK Pete: lol... please do. :)
aCidrAnEx: *giggle* bring me your monitor...
CK Pete: oh goodness.

Pete: <reading sign outside of a local buffet> Endless shrimp all day.
Ry: <very confused> How do you even eat an endless shrimp? Where do you start?

Jim: My cheese was in there, but it's gone.
Pete: Hey! Who moved my cheese!
Ry: Holy shit! Pete made a stupid!
Pete: Yeah... so did your mom... 20 years ago.

Here, Ry and I discuss what would happen if I brought a date by the house.
Ry: <speaking to the hypothetical date> Young lady...
Ry: I don't think you know what you've gotten yourself into!
Pete: <putting words in Ry's mouth>Just ask his last girlfriend.
Ry: To get ahold of her, just call Senator Trent Lott's office...
Ry: have him put the phone under the desk.
It should be noted that my ex-girlfriend is interning with Senator Lott this semester.

Ara: I have a headache.
Pete: Why do you have a headache? You shouldn't have a headache!
Ara: Maybe it's because you're talking.
Pete: Ouch, after all I've taught you about being a smart-ass, this is how I get repaid?
Ara: Hey, I'm just practicing!

Pete: You speak too softly!
Cathy: Well, you should listen more loudly then!

Drew: <repeatedly hitting self with hammer> Ow!
Pete: You know, hitting oneself with a hammer is not generally considered an intelligent thing to do.
Drew: <continues hitting self with hammer> Naw... it don't hurt right here!

Ry: <talking to Pete> I didn't swear that much before I got into college
Ry: But then I spent first semester with you.
Ry: When I went home for Christmas it was like "Fuck fucking fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck."

Cathy: This is the phantom floor... nobody ever comes up here.
Pete: Really? Why is that?
Cathy: We've got nothing... come look!

Abby: <looking for cold medicine> ...but it can't make me drowsy...
Pete: Hmm... that one's the "non-drowsy formula".
Abby: Good... but there are 48 [in a package], I don't need 48.
Abby: I don't want that many! What am I going to do?
Pete: Just buy them? It's only three dollars!
Abby: Nevermind... I'll just get orange juice instead.
Pete: Orange juice?

Ry: <watching a football game>Damn it! Tackle him!
TV: <nothing>
Ry: <yelling>Don't play soft! You can't give them that big of a cushion!
TV: <nothing>
Ry: <screaming>WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU!?
TV: <nothing>

jeanah: do you want me to bow or stand up and applaud or get down on my knees and be awed by your presence?
CK Pete: LOL... please! no!
CK Pete: Just pretend like I don't really hold an office. (Unless you have a CKI question, of course) :-)
jeanah: haha
jeanah: i dunno
jeanah: that's kinda hard
jeanah: that's like saying Nsync isn't Nsync
jeanah: it's impossible!
CK Pete: Jean... I'm no NSync. :-)
jeanah: oh.. you're so much more than that

kimberlysky: My father has called me at some strange hours before also
kimberlysky: Usually its because he can't figure out what time it is in Ohio...
kimberlysky: He lives in Ohio too... We're all in the same time zone! I just don't get it sometimes.

CK Pete: Ooooh... that's NOT cool... did she have a good reason [for waking you up] (I take it that she didn't?)
kimberlysky: NO! She is just really obnoxious all the time. I'm not allowed to kill her though... only maming is permitted.
CK Pete: Hehe... probably a good thing...
CK Pete: Bail for first degree murder is generally pretty steep.
kimberlysky: true true

Jim: Have you ever seen The Never-Ending Story?
Pete: Not all of it, but enough to remember that I didn't care for it.
Jim: Did you see it when you were younger?
Pete: Yeah.
Jim: It came on last night, so I watched it.
Jim: It reminded me of my younger days...
Pete: Really?
Jim: Yeah, I just cried and cried...

Pete: Maybe she wants your body?
Ry: That's just nasty!
Ry: It smells funny; things that should be small are big; things that should be big are small...
Ry: It just has no redeeming qualities.

Diana: Are guys and girls separated by floors?
Amy: The first floor is guys, the rest are all girls.
Diana: You guys have a sex problem here, don't you?

CK Pete: :P
KitCheNsync22: Right back at ya. :P
CK Pete: Oh yeah... that was SOO mature.
KitCheNsync22: Yeah, but who started it? :-)

Carrie: You're the second guy that has told me that he'd be content to be a househusband.
Pete: You're still in shock about that, huh?
Carrie: Yeah, it's just different. Not many guys say that...
Pete: I'd be content to stay home and take care of the kids...
Carrie: What about cooking?
Pete: I can cook.
Carrie: What about cleaning?
Pete: I can clean, I'm not great at it, but I keep things tidy.
Carrie: Okay...
Pete: I'd be a regular Mrs. Cleaver.
Carrie: Hahahahaha, no comment.

Carrie: I'm not going to tell you that you're going to regret it. I'm never going to say it again...
<Five seconds later.>
Carrie: You're so going to regret it.
Pete: I thought you weren't going to say it.
Carrie: I had to say it one last time.
Pete: Hahaha, idle threats.
Carrie: I've gotta find another phrase to use.

Hilary: I really hope the tornado is gone now <hours after the tornado passed through>
Pete: Umm, Hil, I'm sure it's gone now.
Pete: These things don't just camp out in someone's backyard for a week.
Hilary: And that's a very good thing -- think of all the damage it would do to that person's backyard!

Prof Buta: Here's a picture of an interesting rock formation. Has anyone seen it in person?
Random Girl: <raises hand>
Prof Buta: You've been here?
Random Girl: Yes.
Prof Buta: Does it really look like the picture?
Random Girl: Uh, yeah.

CK Pete: Hehe... I love being difficult.
KitCheNsync22: So I've discovered. :-) And with due time you'll learn that I can be just as difficult. :-)
CK Pete: I'm looking forward to that. :-)
KitCheNsync22: Masochist. :-)
CK Pete: Yeah... but you like it. :-)

Pete: So how high do you think the gopher would bounce if dropped from 27 meters?
Prince: But who decided that the gopher had to die?
Pete: Who said anything about death? All we're going to do is drop it.
Prince: Don't you think dropping it from that high would kill it?
Pete: Maybe, but it's not a forgone conclusion. One should never underestimate the will-power of the average gopher.

KitCheNsync22: Okay, have fun tomorrow...I get to sleep in again. :-)
CK Pete: :P
KitCheNsync22: And once again, let me point out that I'm not the one sticking my tongue out... :P
KitCheNsync22: Oh shoot.
KitCheNsync22: I just did.

CK Pete: What do you want to be princess of?
KitCheNsync22: I don't know...I'll settle for anything decent pretty much...I'm easy to please. :-)
KitCheNsync22: Give me a tiara and the title and I think I'd be satisfied. :-)

Pete: <breaks the limb of a plant overhanging the sidewalk>
Ry: Hey, be nice to the tree.
Pete: It's not a tree, it's more like a shrub.
Ry: Well, it's green so it must be related to a tree.
Pete: I have a pair of green underwear, are they related to the tree?
Ry: No, because they've been in your pants.
Pete: Riiight.

Ry: Who keeps bending all of the spoons!?
Pete: I did. From in here. <from his bedroom>
Ry: Would you stop it? That's just weird.
Ry: Hey! Do you think you can use your "pete-onian mind meld" to get the hot girls next door to come over?

morg elle : i'm going to their channel 2 meeting today at 3:00 p.m. :-)
morg elle : as i have found myself on the "residence hall association PR committee"
CK Pete: Hehe...
morg elle : now i just recruited someone else to come to this meeting with me, yay
morg elle : i have no life :-)
CK Pete: And now, neither do they.